Chapter 11: Ten Emotions Create Strength
darkness cannot be transformed into light and motionless”— Carl Jung
I want to introduce you to a guy named Walt.
He is a kind,
moderate person who always tries to do what is reasonable.
He lives a serious life;
science: everything has its place and its order.
Every day he wakes up at 6:30,
showers and shaves,
drinks coffee, has breakfast,
and is out the door at 7:10 for the 45-minute walk to work.
He arrived at the office at 8 o’clock
and sat down to do the same job he had been doing for twenty years.
At 5 p.m. he came home,
poured himself a glass of wine,
and turned on the TV.
An hour later his wife came home
and they ate leftovers from the previous meal
or put pizzas in the oven for dinner.
After the meal,
he sat watching the news while his wife washed the baby and put it to bed.
As late as 9:30, he was already in bed.
On weekends he looks after the garden,
fixes the car,
Walt and his new wife have been married for three years
and while their marriage can’t be called “passionate”,
although there have been signs
of falling back into the fold lately in his first marriage.
Do you know anyone like Walt?
Maybe it’s someone you know very well,
someone who hasn’t fallen into the depths of pain
but has also never experienced any passion or joy.
Too many people suffer from the illusion
that they have absolutely no control over their emotions,
which come on suddenly as a reaction to events in our lives.
Many times we are afraid of emotions as if viruses,
which have no effect on us at the moment,
will attack us when our bodies are weakest.
Sometimes we treat our emotions as inferior cousins to our intellect
and give them no value.
Or we think of emotions as the reactions that arise in us
when someone does or says something to us.
What do all of our beliefs have in common?
It is the misconception that we have no control over our emotions that we regard as mysteries.
I think there are four fundamentally different attitudes people have towards emotions.
What attitude did you have?
“The difference between a successful person
and others is not a lack of strength,
not a lack of knowledge,
but rather a lack in will.”— Vince Lombardi
We all want to hide from painful emotions.
As a result, many people try to avoid any situation that might lead
to the emotions they fear and worse still,
many people don’t want to feel any emotions at all!
if they fear rejection,
they try to avoid any situation that could lead to rejection.
They avoid all contact.
They don’t apply for challenging jobs.
Dealing with emotions in this way is a pitfall,
because while avoiding negative circumstances
may protect you in the short term,
it prevents you from feeling the love, intimacy,
and relationship that you don’t feel,
you most desire.
After all, you can’t avoid emotions.
The best method for you is to try to find hidden
but positive meanings in what you previously thought were negative emotions.
“Hope is a waking dream.”— Aristotle
A second way to deal with emotions is a denial strategy.
People often try to brush off emotions by saying,
“My situation isn’t that bad”.
Meanwhile, deep in their hearts,
they still harbor the idea that things are too scary,
that other people are taking advantage of them,
or that they do everything right
and why things always go against their will.
Having an emotion that is ignored
as if it weren’t there only creates more suffering.
Finding ways to deny your feelings is not the solution.
This chapter will help you learn about emotions and use them.
“If you realized how powerful your thoughts are,
you would never think a negative thought.” — Peace Pilgrim
Many people give up struggling with painful emotions and decide to let it go.
Instead of learning the lesson their feelings are meant to give them,
they strengthen the emotion and make it worse.
It becomes a “badge of courage”
and they use it to compete with others:
“You think your situation is so bad?
Look, I’m in a much worse situation!”
And they are proud
because they have difficulties more than many others.
This is definitely the most dangerous attitude
and you must avoid it at all costs.
It can become your inherent complacency.
It is best to learn the positive meanings that emotions want to bring to you.
“Many of life’s failures are people
who did not realize
how close they were to success when they gave up.”— Thomas A. Edison
4. Learn and use emotions
If you want your life to really work,
you have to make your emotions work for you.
You cannot avoid it;
it is impossible to dismiss it;
cannot belittle it
or have illusions about its meaning.
You also can’t just let it rule your life.
Emotions, even temporary ones,
appear to be painful.
Also really an inner compass
to guide your actions towards your goals.
If you don’t know how to use this compass,
you will live your life in an inner vortex that revolves around you.
Six steps to emotional mastery
Every time there is a feeling in pain,
we can follow these six steps to break the negative pattern,
find the benefits of that emotion,
and help us learn the lesson to get rid of the pain quickly.
“The only way of finding the limits of the possible is
by going beyond them into the impossible.”— Arthur C. Clarke
We summarize those six steps as follows:
DEFINITION WHAT YOU ARE REALLY FEELING
People often feel so heavy that they don’t know what they’re feeling.
They only know they are being attacked by negative emotions and feelings.
Instead of feeling heavy,
stop for a moment and ask yourself,
“What am I really feeling right now?”
If you immediately think,
“I’m feeling angry,”
keep asking yourself,
“Am I really angry?
Or is there something else?
Maybe what I’m really feeling is being upset.
Or I feel like I’ve lost something.”
You should understand that feelings of hurt
or loss are not as intense as feelings of anger.
As soon as you pause for a moment
to identify your true feelings and begin to question them,
you can soften the intensity of your emotions
and thus deal with the situation faster and easier.
“Nurture your mind with great thoughts,
for you will never go any higher than you think.” — Benjamin Disraeli
LOOK AND CONSIDER YOUR EMOTIONS
KNOW THEY WORK FOR YOU
You never want to take your feelings for granted.
Just thinking that you are feeling “bad” is enough
to sabotage any genuine dialogue with yourself and with others.
Recognize and value your feelings.
If you want to trust your feelings
and know that even though you don’t understand it at the moment,
each of your experiences will help you make a positive change
and you will immediately cut off the ongoing battle torment your inner self.
Instead, you’ll feel like you’re moving toward simple solutions.
Practice taking your emotions seriously,
and just like a child in need of attention,
you’ll find your emotions “calm down” almost immediately.
“It is said that the darkest hour of the night comes just before the dawn.”— Thomas Fuller
THIS EMOTION WANT TO SEND YOU
Remember the power to change your emotional state?
If you put yourself in a state of being curious about
what you really want to learn,
this is a direct method to break the old pattern of emotions
and help you learn a lot about yourself.
Curiosity will help you manage your emotions,
and prevent a similar problem from occurring in the future.
Here are four questions
to help you get into a sense of curiosity about your feelings:
* What do I really want to feel?
* What must I believe
in order to feel the way I am feeling?
* What do I want to do
to get a solution and handle the situation right now?
* What do I learn from this?
As you curiously learn about your emotions,
you will learn important distinctions about them.
Not only for today, but also for the future.
“Keep your face to the sun
and you will never see the shadows.”— Helen Keller
Trust that you can deal with this feeling right away.
The fastest, simplest,
and most powerful way to deal with any emotion is
to remember a time when we had a similar emotion
and know that we have successfully dealt with that emotion.
Since you have dealt with it before,
now you can certainly handle it again.
For example, if you’re feeling down
and you’ve dealt with this feeling before, ask yourself,
“What did I do then?”
Did you have a new action like a walk or a phone call?
If you remember what you did before,
do the same now and you will have the same results.
“Life is really simple,
but we insist on making it complicated.”— Confucius
BELIEVE YOU CAN HANDLING THIS EMOTION
NOT ONLY TODAY, BUT IN THE FUTURE
You want to feel sure that you can handle this emotion easily in the future
by having a grand plan to do so.
One simple way is to recall methods you have used in the past
and practice over and over again for possible future situations.
This repetition will create in you a confidence
that you will be able to handle such challenges easily in the future.
“Everything has beauty,
but not everyone sees it.”— Confucius
BE ENJOYED AND ACTION
The final step is obvious:
Get excited and act!
Be excited that you can easily handle this emotion and take immediate action
to show you have handled it.
Don’t let yourself get stuck in the negative emotions you experience.
Show your ability by rehearsing in your mind
to make changes in your ideas or actions.
Remember that what you do today will change the way you feel
not only today but in the future as well.
Remember that the best time to process an emotion is
as soon as you begin to feel it.
Once it’s grown,
it’s much harder to cut.
My philosophy is,
“Kill the monster in its infancy”.
Ten signs of action
Using the six steps above,
you can handle most emotions.
But you don’t even need to use those six steps,
if you understand the messages each important emotion wants to convey to you.
Those are the action commands,
the ten elementary emotions
that people often try to avoid
but you can use to motivate you to take action.
Those ten emotions are:
“The man who moves a mountain begins
by carrying away small stones.”— Confucius
Unpleasant emotions don’t have a strong intensity,
but they bother us and create a constant feeling of being disturbed that it’s not okay.
or confusion are meanings that tell you something is wrong with you.
Dealing with these emotions is simple:
1. Use the skills you’ve learned in this book to change your status.
2. Clearly define what you want.
3. Select the appropriate action.
Try a slightly different approach to see
if you can immediately change the way you feel about the situation.
“Choose a job you love,
and you will never have to work a day in your life.”— Confucius
Feelings of fear range in degrees from concern to guilt to worry,
anxiety, apprehension, and dread.
Fear is just a warning sign that something
is about to happen that we must be prepared for.
Review what you are afraid of and plan what you have to do to prepare yourself.
Imagine what action you must take to best handle the situation.
This is when you must use the antidote to fear:
You must decide to have faith,
knowing that you have done everything to prepare for whatever comes.
“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”— Confucius
Vulnerability is perhaps the heaviest emotion in human relationships,
both personally and professionally.
Feelings of hurt often arise from feelings of loss.
When people are hurt,
people often turn to criticize others.
A sign of vulnerability is that we have an expectation that is not being met.
Many times we expect someone to keep a promise and then they don’t.
At that time we have a feeling of losing trust or intimacy with that person.
1. Realize that this may be an imagined loss, not a real one.
2. Ask yourself, “Is there any real loss?
Or am I judging the situation too soon, or too hastily.”
3. Gently and openly discuss the problem
with the person involved in creating your hurt feelings.
“Do not look for a sanctuary in anyone except your self.”— Buddha
It can range from mild anger to anger, enmity, or indignation.
A sign of anger is that someone
or yourself has violated a principle
or standard that you consider important.
1. Realize that you have misunderstood the situation
and that your anger may have been a misinterpretation
of the other person’s attitude.
2. Realize that even if someone else violates a rule of yours,
it is not necessarily a “right” rule,
even if you think it is.
3. Ask yourself a more positive question,
“In the long run,
does this person really care about you?”
Cut through the anger by asking yourself,
“What lesson can I learn?
How can I communicate to the other person the importance
of the principle I choose for myself?”
“You throw thorns,
falling in my silence they become flowers.”— Buddha
5. NOT SATISFIED
Unhappy mood can have many causes.
Every time we meet an obstacle in our life,
when we have tried our best to no avail,
it is easy to feel unsatisfied.
A sign of an unhappy mood is agitation.
It means your mind believes you can do better than you are currently in.
Dissatisfaction is very different from disappointment.
Frustration is that you have desires in life that you never achieve.
Dissatisfaction is a very positive sign.
It means that the solution to your problem is within your reach,
but what you are doing is not working,
so you need to change your approach.
1. Realize that dissatisfaction is your friend and brainstorm ways to get results.
2. Find the motivation to deal with the situation.
Find a role model, someone who has found a solution to get the results you want.
3. Get excited about what you can learn because it will benefit you in the future.
“Let yourself be open and life will be easier.”— Buddha
Frustration can be a very damaging emotion if we don’t deal with it quickly.
Frustration is a harmful emotion
because it makes you feel “give up” or lose something forever.
You had an expectation,
a goal you were really pursuing,
but that goal didn’t come true,
so it’s time to change your expectations to better suit the situation
and have take immediate action to achieve your new goal.
1. Immediately visualize something you can learn from this situation
as a lesson for the future.
2. Set a new goal,
something that can be more exciting
and something you can make immediate progress on.
3. See if you’ve judged too hastily.
Sometimes the things you think of as failures are just temporary challenges.
4. Realize that the situation may be over.
So you need more patience.
5. The most effective antidote is to develop a positive attitude
of anticipation about something that might happen in the future,
regardless of the circumstances.
what happened in the past.
as much as anybody in the entire universe,
deserve your love and affection.”— Buddha
Guilt, regret, and remorse are feelings people seek to avoid in life
and this is something to be cherished.
They are emotions that hurt us,
but they also have a positive effect.
Guilt tells you that you have broken one of your highest laws
and that you must immediately do something
to make sure you do not do it again in the future.
Guilt is the ultimate lever for many people to change their attitudes.
However, there are also many people
who deny this feeling or seek to get rid of it.
The other extreme is to give in and swallow this feeling,
which is to accept the pain
and experience your helplessness.
This is a negative attitude that does not serve the purpose of guilt.
On the contrary,
it can be the driving force that drives us to change.
1. Acknowledge that you have actually broken an important rule you set for your life.
2. Absolutely determined not to let this attitude happen in the future.
“Nothing ever exists entirely alone;
everything is in relation to everything else.”— Buddha
I feel like I can’t do what I should be able to do.
The problem is that many times we underestimate what we can do or not.
The implication here is that you currently do not have the required level of competence
to perform the existing task.
It tells you that you need more information,
insights, strategies, tools, or confidence.
1. Ask yourself: “Is this the right way I feel in this situation?
am I really inadequate, or do I have to change the way I see things?”
2. Whenever you feel inadequate,
look for incentives to improve the situation.
3. Find a role model,
someone who is effective in the area where you feel inadequate
and ask that person to guide you.
“True love is born from understanding.”— Buddha
and inadequacy are just manifestations of feelings of helplessness.
The person in this situation feels engulfed
and often begins to feel that nothing can change the situation,
the problem is too big, permanent,
total and alone to fall into this situation.
The meaning of the helpless mood is that you need
to re-evaluate what is most important to you in this situation.
The reason is that you are trying to find a way
to deal with so many things at once,
you want to change everything at once.
1. Of all the things you are dealing with in life,
choose the one absolute and most important thing for you to focus on.
2. Write down all the things you think are most important to do and prioritize them.
3. Work on the most important thing on the list first
and keep taking action until you get it right.
“The greatest prayer is patience.”— Buddha
Everything that makes us feel alone,
isolated or separated from others lies in this state of mind.
Have you ever felt really lonely?
I don’t think there’s a person who doesn’t fall into this mood at some point.
The meaning of loneliness is that you need a relationship with other people.
How is the correlation?
Many times people think that there must be sex, or intimacy.
But then they also feel disillusioned,
because even with intimacy,
they still feel lonely.
1. Realize that you can reach out to others
and establish instant rapport and end loneliness.
There are always people who care about you everywhere.
2. Determine what type of correlation you need to set up.
3. Remind yourself that one great thing about loneliness is that it means,
“I really care about other people
and I enjoy being with other people.
I need to find out I need some kind of relationship with others right now,
and then take immediate action to make it a reality.
4. Take immediate action to reach out
to others and establish rapport with them.
Ten emotions create strength
“Every morning we are born again.
What we do today is what matters most.”— Buddha
Regular expressions of love seem to be able
to dissolve all the negativity that love touches.
If someone is angry with you,
you can continue to love them by adopting the following belief:
all communication is a loving response or a cry for help.
If someone comes to you hurt or angry
and you always greet them with warm love,
eventually they will change their mood and the anger or hurt will go away.
“As long as you know how to love enough,
you can be the strongest person in the world”— Emmet Fox
2. RESPECT AND GRATEFULNESS
I believe that the strongest emotions are different expressions of love.
In my opinion,
respect and gratitude are the two most sacred emotions,
they positively express through my thoughts
and actions my appreciation and love for the gifts that life,
people and experiences have given me.
Living in this emotional state will encourage your life more than anything else.
“Mind is everything.
What we think,
we become.”— Buddha
If you really want to grow in life,
practice childish curiosity.
Children are surprised,
that’s why they’re so cute.
If you want to cure boredom, be curious.
If you are curious,
nothing is boring for you.
“The trouble is, you think you have time.”— Buddha
4. EXCITING AND PASSION
Excitement and passion can spice up anything.
Passion can turn any challenge into a tremendous opportunity.
Passion is an irresistible force that
propels our lives forward at an ever higher speed.
We can borrow the words of Benjamin Disraeli,
man is truly great only
when he acts motivated by passion.
How do we get passion?
In the same way that drives us to love,
gratitude and curiosity we decide to experience it!
use your body:
imagine images faster,
move your body in the direction you want to go.
Don’t sit still and think.
You cannot have passion if you lean on the table,
breathe slowly and speak slowly.
“You must not allow yourself to dwell
for a single moment on any kind of negative thought.”— Emmet Fox
All of the above emotions are priceless,
but there is one more you must have
if you want to create lasting value in this world.
It will show you how to handle uncomfortable
and challenging situations,
frustrations and delusions.
Determination means not letting yourself get stuck
but getting yourself moved by the lightning power of a decisive decision.
Acting with determination means making a sound
and appropriate decision while ignoring all other possibilities.
“Positive anything is better than negative nothing.”— Elbert Hubbard
Your ability to change your methods
is a decisive seed that guarantees success.
Choosing flexibility is choosing happiness.
There are times in life when things are out of your control,
those times when your ability to be flexible in principles,
in the meanings you ascribe to things and in your actions,
will determines your success or failure,
not to mention the joy and comfort you will enjoy.
“I have found that if you love life,
life will love you back.”— Arthur Rubinstein
Unshakable confidence is a feeling of certainty that we all want to have.
The only way to experience confidence is through belief.
Visualize and feel certain about the emotions you are enjoying now,
rather than waiting for them
to appear suddenly one day in the future.
When you are confident,
you want to experiment,
you want to plunge into work.
One way to develop trust and confidence is to practice using it.
If I asked you if you knew how to button your shirt,
I guarantee you would answer with complete confidence that you do.
Why? Because you’ve done it a thousand times already!
To engage in something,
it is imperative that you practice confidence instead of fear.
The ability to act on faith is the driving force behind human progress.
“There is little difference in people,
but that little difference makes a big difference.
The little difference is attitude.
The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.”— W. Clement Stone
There is a big difference between feeling happy on the inside
and showing joy on the outside.
Playfulness stimulates your confidence,
makes life more fun,
and also makes those around you feel happy.
Playfulness has the power to eliminate feelings of fear,
hurt, anger, dissatisfaction, boredom, guilt,
and inadequacy in your life.
You have joy when you realize that no matter what happens to you,
only being cheerful makes things better.
“The way I see it,
if you want the rainbow,
you gotta put up with the rain.”— Dolly Parton
Handling this area is paramount.
If you do not take care of your physical health,
it is very difficult for you to experience these emotions.
Make sure you are physically healthy.
Remember that all emotions come to you through your body.
One of the basics of good health is breathing.
When one is stressed,
one stops breathing,
draining one’s life force.
Learning to breathe properly is the most important way to good health.
Another paramount factor for physical health
is making sure you have plenty of mental energy.
How to have nerve energy?
You know that every day we expend nervous energy through our actions
and so we need to compensate with rest.
How much do you sleep each day?
If you spend 8 to 10 hours in bed every day,
you are sleeping too much.
Six to seven hours of sleep a day is considered best for most of us.
Contrary to popular belief,
sitting still does not conserve energy.
The truth is that when you sit still,
you feel the most tired.
The human nervous system needs movement for energy.
“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.”— Ralph Waldo Emerson
Years ago, I remember when I was at the worst moment of my life,
I was driving along the highway at night.
I always ask myself,
“What should I do to change my life?”
Suddenly an intuition came to me,
accompanied by a deep feeling that made me stop the car on the side
of the road and immediately write in my diary the sentence:
“The secret of life is dedication”.
I have found no richer emotion in the world than the feeling
that you are a person whose words
and actions not only add to your own life,
but also stimulate the experiences of those you care about
and those you care about,
even people you don’t even know.
The stories that move me most are those of people
who heeded the highest emotional call
to care unconditionally
and act for the good of others.
When I watched Les Miserables,
I deeply appreciated the character Jean Valjean,
because he was a good man who wanted to give a lot to others.
Every day we must practice a sense of dedication
by not only taking care of ourselves,
but also others.
The feeling of giving to work makes life worth living.
Imagine how much better the world would be if we all cultivated a sense of giving to others.
TEN ACTION SIGNS
TEN EMOTIONS THAT CREATE POWER
1. Warm love
2. Sincerely and gratefully
4. Excited and passionate