Winning human heart!

Part I – Chapter 3: Whoever can do this, he will have the world

I usually go fishing in the summer.

I love ice cream

and fruit but fish like to eat worms.

So when I go fishing,

I don’t think about my favorite food,

but about the fish’s favorite dish.

I don’t hook ice cream

or fruit to the hook but a worm or a grasshopper,

hang the bait in front of the fish and say,

“Hey, fish, do you like this?”.

The same goes for dealing with people.

This is what Lloyd George,

the great British prime minister during World War I, did.

When asked how he managed to stay in power

while many wartime leaders in other countries are often forgotten,

he replied that he did it because of only one thing:

Learning to hook bait on the hook suitable for each type of fish.

Arguably, the only way to influence others is

to talk about what they want and teach them how to get it.

If you want your teenage son to stop smoking,

talk about what he wants to hear,

like the possibility that he won’t find a girlfriend

because of his bad breath or won’t win a match,

upcoming football due to poor health because of smoking!

It’s a scientifically proven fact that even animals want to be treated that way.

The story goes that one day,

the philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson

and his son wanted to bring a calf into the stable.

But they make the common mistake of thinking only what they want.

So merson and his son,

the one pushing,

the other pulling the calf.

But the calf just did what it wanted:

to stand with its legs spread wide and determined not to budge.

The maid girl for the Emerson family saw the situation.

She could not write poetry or essays,

but she understood animal psychology better

than the philosopher Emerson.

She put her finger in the calf’s mouth

to suck it like a mother’s,

then slowly patted it back into the barn.

From the day you were born,

every action you take is because you want something.

Why do you donate money

to charitable organizations?

Because you want to contribute

to helping those who are more disabled

or unfortunate than you.

And because you really want to do a good,

innocent and holy thing out of love.

If the desire for this feeling is not stronger

than the desire to have a lot of money,

you will never be able to give to charity.

Of course, you can contribute

because you’d be embarrassed to say no,

or because an acquaintance asked you to.

Either way, one thing is for sure:

You contribute because you want something.

Harry A. Overstreet,

in Influencing Human Behavior,

wrote: “Every behavior arises from what we essentially want.

The best piece of advice for anyone who wants to persuade others,

whether in business, family, school,

or politics, is this:

First, arouse in the person you want

to influence an essential desire no excuse.

Whoever can do that will have the

whole world with them and will never be alone.”

Andrew Carnegie, a poor Scotsman,

spent only four years in school,

but soon learned in life the only way

to influence the behavior of others.

That is: Speak the way others want to hear it.

He started the job with two cents an hour

so he could later contribute $365 million to charities.

Carnegie’s two grandsons,

studying at Yale,

always thought they were so busy

that they forgot to write home.

They paid no attention to their mother’s earnest letters,

making their mother sick with anxiety.

Carnegie wagered a hundred dollars

that he could get his two grandchildren

to respond immediately

without even asking for a word.

He wrote them a letter of greetings,

at the end of which he said

that he had sent each of them a five dollar bill.

But he pretended to forget to put the money in the envelope.

And just as he predicted.

The reply came immediately:

“Dear Uncle Andrew”.

I’m sure you can guess the rest of the letter yourself.

Another example of persuasion is the story

of Stan Novak of Cleveland, Ohio.

One afternoon, Stan came home

from work to find his youngest son,

Tim, crying in the living room.

The boy doesn’t want to go to kindergarten tomorrow.

Instead of his usual reaction of kicking him out

of the room and forcing him to promise to go to school,

Stan calmly sat down and thought,

“If I were Tim, why would

I be so upset about going to kindergarten?

Maybe because there’s nothing good at school,

my parents won’t let me stay at home.”

So after that,

he and his wife made a list of all the fun games

that Tim would be involved in in kindergarten

such as freehand drawing with fingers,

dancing,

playing with new friends.

Then they did the games right in front of the boy.

Intrigued, Tim’s brother Bob stepped in first. Soon, Tim also joined.

“Oh, no! You have to go to kindergarten firs

t to learn how to draw with ten fingers.”

With all his enthusiasm,

the father read the entire list school games

in a way that the boy understands,

telling him all the fun things about kindergarten.

The next morning,

Stan was surprised to find Tim sleeping soundly in the living room chair

because he had woken up very early to wait

for his father to take him to school.

Tim said to his father,

“Because I don’t want to be late for school.”

The enthusiasm of his parents

and brother gave Tim the desire to go to school,

when all the advice and threats were in vain.

The next time you want to convince someone to do something,

before you do it, ask yourself,

“What can I do to get that person to volunteer to do this?”.

I used to seasonally rent a large auditorium

at a hotel in New York (about 20 evenings per season) to hold lectures.

Near the opening day, the hotel manager suddenly announced

that the rent for this installment had tripled compared

to the previous one.

At that time, all invitations were sent out.

Of course, I don’t want to pay extra,

but what’s the point of telling the hotel what I want?

They only care about what they want.

Two days later I decided to go to the manager and say:

“I was surprised to receive your letter,

but I do not blame you.

If I were in his position,

I would probably do the same.

It is the responsibility of the hotel manager to achieve profit by all means.

If he doesn’t, he will be fired.

I completely sympathize with him.

So now, let’s try to analyze the pros

and cons that can happen if you increase the rent this time!”

Then, I took out a piece of paper,

drew a line in the middle,

one side said “Win” and the other side “Lost”.

Under “Yes” I opened brackets

and wrote the words “if the auditorium is empty”.

I then continued:

“You will have the advantage

of having a dance or event room available to rent.

This is a huge advantage that gives him more money

than renting a conference room.

If I occupied the auditorium

for 20 nights during the peak of the season,

he would certainly suffer a lot.”

“Besides, there are also a few disadvantages.

First of all, he didn’t increase my income,

on the contrary,

he lost it,

because if I had to pay such a high rent

I would have to hold the conference somewhere else.

Yet another loss for him.

My lectures will attract many people

of the elite and intellectuals to this hotel.

This would be a very good advertisement for your hotel.

If he paid five thousand dollars

to advertise in the newspaper,

he still wouldn’t be able to attract

as many quality customers to his hotel.

So without my lectures,

the hotel would be at a disadvantage.”

As I spoke,

I wrote these two things under the “Lost” section

and handed the paper to the manager,

then said:

“Please consider carefully these benefits

and then let me make the final decision”.

The next day,

I received a letter saying

that my rent was only increased by 50%, not 300%.

Really, I got this discount not

because I talked about what

I wanted but only about what the hotel manager wanted and how to get it.

Henry Ford said

“If there is any secret to success,

it lies in the ability to understand and empathize

with another person’s point of view

and see things from that person’s point

of view as well as your own. “.

This is the most classic advice ever in the art of dealing with people.

A simple and obvious truth that everyone knows.

However, 90% of people on this earth forget

to use it during 90% of their lives.

Take a look at the letters that arrive

at your desk tomorrow morning,

and you’ll find most violate that important principle.

We will try to read and analyze the letter

from the director of the communications department of an advertising agency

with a nationwide branch to the managers

of local radio stations.

(in parentheses is our hypothetical response

to reading each paragraph).

Dear Mr. John Blank

Blankville, Indiana

Dear Mr. Blank!

The company always wishes to maintain its leading position

in the advertising industry in the field of radio.

(Who needs to know what your company wants?

I’m worried that my business isn’t done yet.

Banks are demanding foreclosure on my house,

worms are eating away vegetables and fruits,

stock prices have fallen again yesterday,

lost 85% of my stock this morning,

wasn’t invited to the dance at John’s house last night,

the doctor told me I had high blood pressure,

had a nervous breakdown

and had dandruff in my hair.

This morning, some kid in New York

sent me a blabbering letter about what his company wanted.

It’s annoying! If only he understood how unpopular this letter is,

he’d have to withdraw from the advertising business.

Let’s go back to herding ducks!)

The national announcement

and advertising programs are all undertaken by our company.

The fast and on-time implementation has kept us

at the forefront of the industry

for many years.

(Your company is big, rich, at the top?

So what? It’s not as big as General Motors Corporation

or General Electric or US Army General Staff or all combined.

If you had any intelligence you would understand

that I care how important I am,

not how important you are.

His great success only annoyed me

because I felt small and worthless.)

We want to provide our customers

with detailed information on the state of the radio stations.

Let me tell you once and for all

that I am only interested in what I want,

and yet you never said a word about it in your stupid letter.)

Please provide our company

with your station’s weekly radio schedule,

the more detailed it is,

the more convenient it is to select

and arrange advertising programs at the most favorable time.

(Important information!

You’re crazy.

You’re bragging, condescending

and making me feel pointless,

and then dare to

ask for “important information”

without even saying “please” please”

when asking for that. Unthinkable!)

Upon receiving this letter,

please immediately send us your station’s nearest radio schedule,

it will be beneficial for both parties.

(That’s stupid!

He sent me a cheap,

blasphemous letter, and yet dared to ask me

to “send it right away” to him,

while I was upset about my promissory note

and my blood pressure.

And who gave you the authority to dictate to me?

He said this would be “beneficial to both sides,”

but he hadn’t shown me where I would benefit.)

Dear,

John Doe

Director of Communications

PS: The interesting article below is from Blankville magazine,

you will want to broadcast it on your station.

(Finally, in the postscript you mentioned something related to my problem.

Why didn’t you start the letter with this?

But what it was for, you didn’t specify!

Are all the advertisers talking nonsense like you?

You need my most recent radio schedule,

what you need is a little bit of brainpower to stuff your shithead head!)

Below is another letter sent by the head of the terminal

of a large transportation company to one of my students,

Edward Vermyle.

What impression did the letter make on the recipient?

Read it and we will analyze it together.

To: Mr. Edward Vermylen

Company A. Zerega’ Sons

28 Front St.

Brooklyn, N.Y. 11201

Sir,

Work at our railway station overseas was hampered

because the goods arrived too late in the afternoon.

This resulted in backlogs at the station

and in some cases we were not able to deliver in time.

On 10 November we received

from your company a shipment of 510 bales at 4:20 pm.

We look forward to your cooperation

to remedy this unintended delay.

Could you please tell us

that you can deliver some of the goods

to us in the morning instead

of putting them all in the afternoon,

to avoid a similar situation in the future?

The advantage to you in this arrangement is

that your goods will be unloaded quickly

and we guarantee to ship immediately.

Dear

J—- B—-

After reading this letter, Mr. Vermylen,

sales manager for Zerega’ Sons,

sent it to me with the following comment:

“This letter backfired.

At the beginning of the letter they told us about their problems

that we generally did not care about.

It was not until the end of the letter

that it said that if we cooperated,

our goods would be delivered quickly.

In other words, what we were most interested in was mentioned last,

the whole result of the letter causing opposition rather than cooperation.”

Now let’s see if we can rewrite

or improve this letter.

Let’s not waste any more time talking about our problems.

As Henry Ford advises:

“Understanding and empathizing

with the other person’s point of view and seeing things

from that person’s perspective

as well as your own.”

This is a rewritten letter.

Maybe not the best,

but commendable:

To: Mr. Edward Vermylen

Zerega’ Sons . Company

No. 28 Front Street

Brooklyn, N.Y.11201

Dear Mr. Vermyle!

Your company has been one

of our loyal customers for the past fourteen years.

We are very grateful for your orders and want

to give you the fastest and most efficient delivery service.

However, recently we have not been able to serve you as quickly

as we would have liked

because your trucks are delivering very large shipments

to us late in the afternoon,

specifically the shipment on November 10.

The reason is because many other customers

also arrive at the same time as above,

so congestion is easy to happen.

As a result, his trucks were forced to wait in line at the port,

sometimes even his delivery was delayed.

This will indeed bring bad results but not unsolvable.

If possible, please deliver the goods to us early in the morning.

That way his trucks will not have to wait,

his goods will be unloaded immediately.

At the same time,

our workers will also be able to go home earlier in the evening

to enjoy the wonderful pasta produced by your company.

Finally, no matter what time your goods arrive,

we will do our best to serve you quickly.

We know you are very busy.

Please do not waste time replying to this letter.

Dear

J—-B—– -Station Commander

Barbara Anderson, an employee of a bank in New York,

wants to move to Phoenix,

Arizona to take care of her son’s health.

Using principles learned in our training,

she wrote this letter to twelve banks in Phoenix:

“Dear sir!

My ten years of experience in the banking industry will be a useful contribution

to the rapid growth of your bank.

With various banking abilities at Trust Bank New York,

I was promoted to the current position of Branch Manager.

I have extensive knowledge in all areas of banking,

including deposit, credit, lending and management transactions.

I will be moving to Phoenix in May and am convinced

that I can contribute to the growth and profitability of your bank.

I will be in Phoenix on the 3rd of April and would appreciate it

if you would give me the opportunity

to demonstrate how it can practically help your bank achieve results.

Dear,

Barbara L. Anderson

Can you guess if Mrs. Anderson will get a reply after this one?

Eleven banks invited her to interview

and she received job offers from all eleven banks.

The reason is simply because Ms. Anderson never mentioned what she wanted,

but only talked about

what she could help the banks,

focusing on what they want,

not what she wants.

Hundreds of thousands of salespeople are walking down the street today,

tired and frustrated with low wages.

Why? Because they always think about what they want

without realizing what the customer wants.

We are always only interested in solving our problems.

And if sales people could show us how their service

or their goods would help solve our problems,

they wouldn’t need to sell to us.

We will buy it ourselves.

Customers want to feel like they’re buying, not being sold.

Yet many salespeople waste their entire lives selling their products

without understanding what the buyer wants.

I spent many years living in Forest Hills,

a fairly isolated family like community in the heart of New York.

One day, while walking to work,

I happened to meet a senior real estate agent in this area.

He was well versed in Forest Hills,

so I casually asked if my plaster house was made

of metal rafters or hollow bricks.

He said he didn’t know and advised me

what I already knew,

which is to ask about it at Forest Hills Architects.

The next day, I received a letter from him.

Will you give me the information I want?

No, he asked me for permission to give insurance advice.

He clearly had no interest in helping me.

He was only interested in helping himself.

The world is full of people who want

to plunder and make money for themselves,

so the rare individual who wants

to serve others unselfishly will have a huge advantage:

They will have very little competition!

Owen D. Young, a famous jurist

and one of America’s greatest business leaders once said:

“Those who can put themselves in other people’s shoes,

who can understand their thoughts.

People’s thoughts and feelings,

never have to worry about the future.”

If, after reading this book,

you can only practice one thing,

which is to always think

from the other person’s point

of view and see things from their point of view,

this single thing alone is enough

to make a difference is extremely important,

on your career development path.

Knowing how to see problems from the perspective of others

and knowing how to arouse in them a sincere desire to do

what they expect is not at all taking advantage of people

to seek their own interests and causing damage

to the interests of others.

Both parties must have equal rights.

Michael E. Whidden of Warwick, Rhode Island,

is a salesman for the oil refinery Shell.

Mike wants to became the number one salesman in the area,

but a gas station on his service list was an obstacle to that desire.

The station is run by a conservative old man

and it is impossible to push him to change the status of the station.

The gas station looked so shabby that no one bothered to stop by,

but the manager refused to listen

to Mike’s persuasion to raise the station’s image.

After urging,

talking, and confiding many times to no avail,

Mike decided to invite the manager

to visit the nearest Shell station in the area.

The manager was so impressed

with the Shell station that the next time Mike came,

the gas station had been cleaned

by him and sales had increased dramatically.

This helped Mike reach number one in the region.

All the persuasive arguments yielded no results,

but by reviving the manager’s intense desire

through the image of an existing,

professional gas station,

Mike achieved his goal.

Both the manager and Mike benefit.

On the other hand, a student who,

before attending my “Effective Presentation” training,

wanted to convince people to play basketball in his spare time,

said this: “I want you to play basketball.

I like to play basketball, but the last few times I go to the training ground,

there are not enough players.

One dinner a few days ago,

just a few of us playing together,

and I had a bruise in one eye.

I want you all to come down to the field tomorrow night.

I want to play basketball!”.

Did he say anything about what you wanted?

No! And you don’t get excited about what he wants, either.

You also don’t want to bruise an eye.

Meanwhile, how many things can he say

to spark your interest in sports?

This is playing sports to make the mind comfortable,

refreshing, fun and have more friends…

Let me repeat again Professor Overstreet’s wise advice:

First arouse in others a strong desire.

Whoever can do that will have the whole world,

otherwise they will be alone.

One of my students was very upset about his young son.

The child is malnourished and anorexic.

His parents used all kinds of methods to no avail.

All day, they nagged at the boy,

but he was like:

“I want you to eat this and that too!”,

“I want you to grow up to be a strong,

healthy person like a knight”.

The boy He didn’t care about those words,

nor did he want to be a knight.

It is absurd to ask a three year old to think like a thirty year old father.

The father finally realized this.

He asked himself,

“What does the boy want?

How can I combine what I want with what it wants?”

Things got easier when he started thinking about it.

The boy has a tricycle that he loves

to ride on the sidewalks of Brooklyn.

A few blocks away there was an older kid who used to take his kid’s car.

At such times,

the boy often cried and ran to tell his mother.

The mother had to intervene and this happened every day.

So what does the boy want?

It doesn’t take a great detective like Sherlock Holmes to figure that out.

His pride was wounded,

his strongest emotions urged him to retaliate,

to smack that obnoxious man in the middle of the nose.

The father only needs

to say that if he will eat what his parents tell him,

one day he will be healthy enough

and not be bullied by that big boy anymore.

So the boy’s eating is no longer a problem.

Another story: there was a boy who used to wet the bed in bed.

He slept with his grandmother.

In the morning she used to wake him up,

touch the mattress and say,

“Johnny, look,

what did you do last night?”

The boy often replied,

“No, it’s not mine. It’s yours.”

Despite scolding,

slapping his butt or constantly reminding him

that his parents didn’t want him to do that,

his bed was still wet every night.

So his parents wondered,

“How can we stop him from wetting the bed?”.

What does the boy want?

First of all, he wanted to wear pajamas like his father,

not a nightgown like his grandmother.

Since the grandmother is tired of her nephew wetting the bed at night,

she is very willing

to buy the boy a set of pajamas if he will change.

Second, the boy wanted a bed of his own.

Grandma and parents didn’t object either.

His mother took him to the department store,

beckoned to the saleswoman, and said,

“This young man wants to buy something here.”

The saleswoman showed importance by asking:

“Young man! What do you want to buy?”

The boy stood on tiptoes to appear taller and said,

“I want to buy a bed for myself.”

The mother motioned to the saleswoman

to introduce him to the bed she wanted to buy for him.

And the boy was excited to believe

that it was the bed he had chosen to buy.

The next day, the bed was brought in.

And that night when the father got home,

the boy ran to the door shouting,

“Father! Dad, come and see the bed I just bought!”.

The father looks at the bed,

asked the boy,

“You’re not going to wet your bed again, are you?”

The boy replied immediately:

“Oh, no, no! I will never wet my bed.”

The boy kept his promise because of his pride.

This is its bed only he bought it.

He was dressed like an adult again.

The boy wanted to act like an adult

and he actually did!

Another father, K. T. Duchsman,

a radio engineer and one of my academics,

couldn’t convince his three-year-old granddaughter

to eat breakfast.

Yelling, threatening or begging,

coaxing all kinds of things are ineffective.

The child’s parents wondered:

“How can we make him eat breakfast?”.

The little girl wants to imitate her mother

to feel that she is big and mature.

So one morning, they put her on a high chair

and let her cook her own breakfast noodles.

At the crucial moment,

the little girl was cooking noodles,

the father entered the kitchen.

As soon as she saw her father,

the little girl exclaimed:

“Look, I’m cooking noodles myself”.

That morning,

she voluntarily ate two bowls of noodles

without anyone reminding her.

She has shown herself in cooking noodles by herself.

William Winter once remarked:

“Self-expression is a basic human need”.

We can apply this psychological factor to business.

Every time you come up with a special idea,

you should suggest that idea to others

and let them turn it into reality.

At that time they will consider the idea as their own,

they will love it and do their best

to implement it at all costs.

* Easy to receive but difficult to give.

It’s easy to think badly of others,

but hard is to give them trust.

Easy is to extinguish someone else’s dream,

and difficult is to evoke a fervent desire.

So why don’t we do something “difficult”

that works as well as arousing a person’s fervent desire?

Principle 3: Inspire others to do what you want them to do

—————————————

Summary of Part I – Basic Art of Conduct

Principle 1: Do not criticize, resent or complain.

Principle 2: Sincere praise and gratitude to others.

Principle 3: Inspire others to do what you want them to do.