Winning human heart!
Part I – Chapter 3: Whoever can do this, he will have the world
I usually go fishing in the summer.
I love ice cream
and fruit but fish like to eat worms.
So when I go fishing,
I don’t think about my favorite food,
but about the fish’s favorite dish.
I don’t hook ice cream
or fruit to the hook but a worm or a grasshopper,
hang the bait in front of the fish and say,
“Hey, fish, do you like this?”.
The same goes for dealing with people.
This is what Lloyd George,
the great British prime minister during World War I, did.
When asked how he managed to stay in power
while many wartime leaders in other countries are often forgotten,
he replied that he did it because of only one thing:
Learning to hook bait on the hook suitable for each type of fish.
Arguably, the only way to influence others is
to talk about what they want and teach them how to get it.
If you want your teenage son to stop smoking,
talk about what he wants to hear,
like the possibility that he won’t find a girlfriend
because of his bad breath or won’t win a match,
upcoming football due to poor health because of smoking!
It’s a scientifically proven fact that even animals want to be treated that way.
The story goes that one day,
the philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson
and his son wanted to bring a calf into the stable.
But they make the common mistake of thinking only what they want.
So merson and his son,
the one pushing,
the other pulling the calf.
But the calf just did what it wanted:
to stand with its legs spread wide and determined not to budge.
The maid girl for the Emerson family saw the situation.
She could not write poetry or essays,
but she understood animal psychology better
than the philosopher Emerson.
She put her finger in the calf’s mouth
to suck it like a mother’s,
then slowly patted it back into the barn.
From the day you were born,
every action you take is because you want something.
Why do you donate money
to charitable organizations?
Because you want to contribute
to helping those who are more disabled
or unfortunate than you.
And because you really want to do a good,
innocent and holy thing out of love.
If the desire for this feeling is not stronger
than the desire to have a lot of money,
you will never be able to give to charity.
Of course, you can contribute
because you’d be embarrassed to say no,
or because an acquaintance asked you to.
Either way, one thing is for sure:
You contribute because you want something.
Harry A. Overstreet,
in Influencing Human Behavior,
wrote: “Every behavior arises from what we essentially want.
The best piece of advice for anyone who wants to persuade others,
whether in business, family, school,
or politics, is this:
First, arouse in the person you want
to influence an essential desire no excuse.
Whoever can do that will have the
whole world with them and will never be alone.”
Andrew Carnegie, a poor Scotsman,
spent only four years in school,
but soon learned in life the only way
to influence the behavior of others.
That is: Speak the way others want to hear it.
He started the job with two cents an hour
so he could later contribute $365 million to charities.
Carnegie’s two grandsons,
studying at Yale,
always thought they were so busy
that they forgot to write home.
They paid no attention to their mother’s earnest letters,
making their mother sick with anxiety.
Carnegie wagered a hundred dollars
that he could get his two grandchildren
to respond immediately
without even asking for a word.
He wrote them a letter of greetings,
at the end of which he said
that he had sent each of them a five dollar bill.
But he pretended to forget to put the money in the envelope.
And just as he predicted.
The reply came immediately:
“Dear Uncle Andrew”.
I’m sure you can guess the rest of the letter yourself.
Another example of persuasion is the story
of Stan Novak of Cleveland, Ohio.
One afternoon, Stan came home
from work to find his youngest son,
Tim, crying in the living room.
The boy doesn’t want to go to kindergarten tomorrow.
Instead of his usual reaction of kicking him out
of the room and forcing him to promise to go to school,
Stan calmly sat down and thought,
“If I were Tim, why would
I be so upset about going to kindergarten?
Maybe because there’s nothing good at school,
my parents won’t let me stay at home.”
So after that,
he and his wife made a list of all the fun games
that Tim would be involved in in kindergarten
such as freehand drawing with fingers,
playing with new friends.
Then they did the games right in front of the boy.
Intrigued, Tim’s brother Bob stepped in first. Soon, Tim also joined.
“Oh, no! You have to go to kindergarten firs
t to learn how to draw with ten fingers.”
With all his enthusiasm,
the father read the entire list school games
in a way that the boy understands,
telling him all the fun things about kindergarten.
The next morning,
Stan was surprised to find Tim sleeping soundly in the living room chair
because he had woken up very early to wait
for his father to take him to school.
Tim said to his father,
“Because I don’t want to be late for school.”
The enthusiasm of his parents
and brother gave Tim the desire to go to school,
when all the advice and threats were in vain.
The next time you want to convince someone to do something,
before you do it, ask yourself,
“What can I do to get that person to volunteer to do this?”.
I used to seasonally rent a large auditorium
at a hotel in New York (about 20 evenings per season) to hold lectures.
Near the opening day, the hotel manager suddenly announced
that the rent for this installment had tripled compared
to the previous one.
At that time, all invitations were sent out.
Of course, I don’t want to pay extra,
but what’s the point of telling the hotel what I want?
They only care about what they want.
Two days later I decided to go to the manager and say:
“I was surprised to receive your letter,
but I do not blame you.
If I were in his position,
I would probably do the same.
It is the responsibility of the hotel manager to achieve profit by all means.
If he doesn’t, he will be fired.
I completely sympathize with him.
So now, let’s try to analyze the pros
and cons that can happen if you increase the rent this time!”
Then, I took out a piece of paper,
drew a line in the middle,
one side said “Win” and the other side “Lost”.
Under “Yes” I opened brackets
and wrote the words “if the auditorium is empty”.
I then continued:
“You will have the advantage
of having a dance or event room available to rent.
This is a huge advantage that gives him more money
than renting a conference room.
If I occupied the auditorium
for 20 nights during the peak of the season,
he would certainly suffer a lot.”
“Besides, there are also a few disadvantages.
First of all, he didn’t increase my income,
on the contrary,
he lost it,
because if I had to pay such a high rent
I would have to hold the conference somewhere else.
Yet another loss for him.
My lectures will attract many people
of the elite and intellectuals to this hotel.
This would be a very good advertisement for your hotel.
If he paid five thousand dollars
to advertise in the newspaper,
he still wouldn’t be able to attract
as many quality customers to his hotel.
So without my lectures,
the hotel would be at a disadvantage.”
As I spoke,
I wrote these two things under the “Lost” section
and handed the paper to the manager,
“Please consider carefully these benefits
and then let me make the final decision”.
The next day,
I received a letter saying
that my rent was only increased by 50%, not 300%.
Really, I got this discount not
because I talked about what
I wanted but only about what the hotel manager wanted and how to get it.
Henry Ford said
“If there is any secret to success,
it lies in the ability to understand and empathize
with another person’s point of view
and see things from that person’s point
of view as well as your own. “.
This is the most classic advice ever in the art of dealing with people.
A simple and obvious truth that everyone knows.
However, 90% of people on this earth forget
to use it during 90% of their lives.
Take a look at the letters that arrive
at your desk tomorrow morning,
and you’ll find most violate that important principle.
We will try to read and analyze the letter
from the director of the communications department of an advertising agency
with a nationwide branch to the managers
of local radio stations.
(in parentheses is our hypothetical response
to reading each paragraph).
Dear Mr. John Blank
Dear Mr. Blank!
The company always wishes to maintain its leading position
in the advertising industry in the field of radio.
(Who needs to know what your company wants?
I’m worried that my business isn’t done yet.
Banks are demanding foreclosure on my house,
worms are eating away vegetables and fruits,
stock prices have fallen again yesterday,
lost 85% of my stock this morning,
wasn’t invited to the dance at John’s house last night,
the doctor told me I had high blood pressure,
had a nervous breakdown
and had dandruff in my hair.
This morning, some kid in New York
sent me a blabbering letter about what his company wanted.
It’s annoying! If only he understood how unpopular this letter is,
he’d have to withdraw from the advertising business.
Let’s go back to herding ducks!)
The national announcement
and advertising programs are all undertaken by our company.
The fast and on-time implementation has kept us
at the forefront of the industry
for many years.
(Your company is big, rich, at the top?
So what? It’s not as big as General Motors Corporation
or General Electric or US Army General Staff or all combined.
If you had any intelligence you would understand
that I care how important I am,
not how important you are.
His great success only annoyed me
because I felt small and worthless.)
We want to provide our customers
with detailed information on the state of the radio stations.
Let me tell you once and for all
that I am only interested in what I want,
and yet you never said a word about it in your stupid letter.)
Please provide our company
with your station’s weekly radio schedule,
the more detailed it is,
the more convenient it is to select
and arrange advertising programs at the most favorable time.
You’re bragging, condescending
and making me feel pointless,
and then dare to
ask for “important information”
without even saying “please” please”
when asking for that. Unthinkable!)
Upon receiving this letter,
please immediately send us your station’s nearest radio schedule,
it will be beneficial for both parties.
He sent me a cheap,
blasphemous letter, and yet dared to ask me
to “send it right away” to him,
while I was upset about my promissory note
and my blood pressure.
And who gave you the authority to dictate to me?
He said this would be “beneficial to both sides,”
but he hadn’t shown me where I would benefit.)
Director of Communications
PS: The interesting article below is from Blankville magazine,
you will want to broadcast it on your station.
(Finally, in the postscript you mentioned something related to my problem.
Why didn’t you start the letter with this?
But what it was for, you didn’t specify!
Are all the advertisers talking nonsense like you?
You need my most recent radio schedule,
what you need is a little bit of brainpower to stuff your shithead head!)
Below is another letter sent by the head of the terminal
of a large transportation company to one of my students,
What impression did the letter make on the recipient?
Read it and we will analyze it together.
To: Mr. Edward Vermylen
Company A. Zerega’ Sons
28 Front St.
Brooklyn, N.Y. 11201
Work at our railway station overseas was hampered
because the goods arrived too late in the afternoon.
This resulted in backlogs at the station
and in some cases we were not able to deliver in time.
On 10 November we received
from your company a shipment of 510 bales at 4:20 pm.
We look forward to your cooperation
to remedy this unintended delay.
Could you please tell us
that you can deliver some of the goods
to us in the morning instead
of putting them all in the afternoon,
to avoid a similar situation in the future?
The advantage to you in this arrangement is
that your goods will be unloaded quickly
and we guarantee to ship immediately.
After reading this letter, Mr. Vermylen,
sales manager for Zerega’ Sons,
sent it to me with the following comment:
“This letter backfired.
At the beginning of the letter they told us about their problems
that we generally did not care about.
It was not until the end of the letter
that it said that if we cooperated,
our goods would be delivered quickly.
In other words, what we were most interested in was mentioned last,
the whole result of the letter causing opposition rather than cooperation.”
Now let’s see if we can rewrite
or improve this letter.
Let’s not waste any more time talking about our problems.
As Henry Ford advises:
“Understanding and empathizing
with the other person’s point of view and seeing things
from that person’s perspective
as well as your own.”
This is a rewritten letter.
Maybe not the best,
To: Mr. Edward Vermylen
Zerega’ Sons . Company
No. 28 Front Street
Dear Mr. Vermyle!
Your company has been one
of our loyal customers for the past fourteen years.
We are very grateful for your orders and want
to give you the fastest and most efficient delivery service.
However, recently we have not been able to serve you as quickly
as we would have liked
because your trucks are delivering very large shipments
to us late in the afternoon,
specifically the shipment on November 10.
The reason is because many other customers
also arrive at the same time as above,
so congestion is easy to happen.
As a result, his trucks were forced to wait in line at the port,
sometimes even his delivery was delayed.
This will indeed bring bad results but not unsolvable.
If possible, please deliver the goods to us early in the morning.
That way his trucks will not have to wait,
his goods will be unloaded immediately.
At the same time,
our workers will also be able to go home earlier in the evening
to enjoy the wonderful pasta produced by your company.
Finally, no matter what time your goods arrive,
we will do our best to serve you quickly.
We know you are very busy.
Please do not waste time replying to this letter.
J—-B—– -Station Commander
Barbara Anderson, an employee of a bank in New York,
wants to move to Phoenix,
Arizona to take care of her son’s health.
Using principles learned in our training,
she wrote this letter to twelve banks in Phoenix:
My ten years of experience in the banking industry will be a useful contribution
to the rapid growth of your bank.
With various banking abilities at Trust Bank New York,
I was promoted to the current position of Branch Manager.
I have extensive knowledge in all areas of banking,
including deposit, credit, lending and management transactions.
I will be moving to Phoenix in May and am convinced
that I can contribute to the growth and profitability of your bank.
I will be in Phoenix on the 3rd of April and would appreciate it
if you would give me the opportunity
to demonstrate how it can practically help your bank achieve results.
Barbara L. Anderson
Can you guess if Mrs. Anderson will get a reply after this one?
Eleven banks invited her to interview
and she received job offers from all eleven banks.
The reason is simply because Ms. Anderson never mentioned what she wanted,
but only talked about
what she could help the banks,
focusing on what they want,
not what she wants.
Hundreds of thousands of salespeople are walking down the street today,
tired and frustrated with low wages.
Why? Because they always think about what they want
without realizing what the customer wants.
We are always only interested in solving our problems.
And if sales people could show us how their service
or their goods would help solve our problems,
they wouldn’t need to sell to us.
We will buy it ourselves.
Customers want to feel like they’re buying, not being sold.
Yet many salespeople waste their entire lives selling their products
without understanding what the buyer wants.
I spent many years living in Forest Hills,
a fairly isolated family like community in the heart of New York.
One day, while walking to work,
I happened to meet a senior real estate agent in this area.
He was well versed in Forest Hills,
so I casually asked if my plaster house was made
of metal rafters or hollow bricks.
He said he didn’t know and advised me
what I already knew,
which is to ask about it at Forest Hills Architects.
The next day, I received a letter from him.
Will you give me the information I want?
No, he asked me for permission to give insurance advice.
He clearly had no interest in helping me.
He was only interested in helping himself.
The world is full of people who want
to plunder and make money for themselves,
so the rare individual who wants
to serve others unselfishly will have a huge advantage:
They will have very little competition!
Owen D. Young, a famous jurist
and one of America’s greatest business leaders once said:
“Those who can put themselves in other people’s shoes,
who can understand their thoughts.
People’s thoughts and feelings,
never have to worry about the future.”
If, after reading this book,
you can only practice one thing,
which is to always think
from the other person’s point
of view and see things from their point of view,
this single thing alone is enough
to make a difference is extremely important,
on your career development path.
Knowing how to see problems from the perspective of others
and knowing how to arouse in them a sincere desire to do
what they expect is not at all taking advantage of people
to seek their own interests and causing damage
to the interests of others.
Both parties must have equal rights.
Michael E. Whidden of Warwick, Rhode Island,
is a salesman for the oil refinery Shell.
Mike wants to became the number one salesman in the area,
but a gas station on his service list was an obstacle to that desire.
The station is run by a conservative old man
and it is impossible to push him to change the status of the station.
The gas station looked so shabby that no one bothered to stop by,
but the manager refused to listen
to Mike’s persuasion to raise the station’s image.
talking, and confiding many times to no avail,
Mike decided to invite the manager
to visit the nearest Shell station in the area.
The manager was so impressed
with the Shell station that the next time Mike came,
the gas station had been cleaned
by him and sales had increased dramatically.
This helped Mike reach number one in the region.
All the persuasive arguments yielded no results,
but by reviving the manager’s intense desire
through the image of an existing,
professional gas station,
Mike achieved his goal.
Both the manager and Mike benefit.
On the other hand, a student who,
before attending my “Effective Presentation” training,
wanted to convince people to play basketball in his spare time,
said this: “I want you to play basketball.
I like to play basketball, but the last few times I go to the training ground,
there are not enough players.
One dinner a few days ago,
just a few of us playing together,
and I had a bruise in one eye.
I want you all to come down to the field tomorrow night.
I want to play basketball!”.
Did he say anything about what you wanted?
No! And you don’t get excited about what he wants, either.
You also don’t want to bruise an eye.
Meanwhile, how many things can he say
to spark your interest in sports?
This is playing sports to make the mind comfortable,
refreshing, fun and have more friends…
Let me repeat again Professor Overstreet’s wise advice:
First arouse in others a strong desire.
Whoever can do that will have the whole world,
otherwise they will be alone.
One of my students was very upset about his young son.
The child is malnourished and anorexic.
His parents used all kinds of methods to no avail.
All day, they nagged at the boy,
but he was like:
“I want you to eat this and that too!”,
“I want you to grow up to be a strong,
healthy person like a knight”.
The boy He didn’t care about those words,
nor did he want to be a knight.
It is absurd to ask a three year old to think like a thirty year old father.
The father finally realized this.
He asked himself,
“What does the boy want?
How can I combine what I want with what it wants?”
Things got easier when he started thinking about it.
The boy has a tricycle that he loves
to ride on the sidewalks of Brooklyn.
A few blocks away there was an older kid who used to take his kid’s car.
At such times,
the boy often cried and ran to tell his mother.
The mother had to intervene and this happened every day.
So what does the boy want?
It doesn’t take a great detective like Sherlock Holmes to figure that out.
His pride was wounded,
his strongest emotions urged him to retaliate,
to smack that obnoxious man in the middle of the nose.
The father only needs
to say that if he will eat what his parents tell him,
one day he will be healthy enough
and not be bullied by that big boy anymore.
So the boy’s eating is no longer a problem.
Another story: there was a boy who used to wet the bed in bed.
He slept with his grandmother.
In the morning she used to wake him up,
touch the mattress and say,
what did you do last night?”
The boy often replied,
“No, it’s not mine. It’s yours.”
slapping his butt or constantly reminding him
that his parents didn’t want him to do that,
his bed was still wet every night.
So his parents wondered,
“How can we stop him from wetting the bed?”.
What does the boy want?
First of all, he wanted to wear pajamas like his father,
not a nightgown like his grandmother.
Since the grandmother is tired of her nephew wetting the bed at night,
she is very willing
to buy the boy a set of pajamas if he will change.
Second, the boy wanted a bed of his own.
Grandma and parents didn’t object either.
His mother took him to the department store,
beckoned to the saleswoman, and said,
“This young man wants to buy something here.”
The saleswoman showed importance by asking:
“Young man! What do you want to buy?”
The boy stood on tiptoes to appear taller and said,
“I want to buy a bed for myself.”
The mother motioned to the saleswoman
to introduce him to the bed she wanted to buy for him.
And the boy was excited to believe
that it was the bed he had chosen to buy.
The next day, the bed was brought in.
And that night when the father got home,
the boy ran to the door shouting,
“Father! Dad, come and see the bed I just bought!”.
The father looks at the bed,
asked the boy,
“You’re not going to wet your bed again, are you?”
The boy replied immediately:
“Oh, no, no! I will never wet my bed.”
The boy kept his promise because of his pride.
This is its bed only he bought it.
He was dressed like an adult again.
The boy wanted to act like an adult
and he actually did!
Another father, K. T. Duchsman,
a radio engineer and one of my academics,
couldn’t convince his three-year-old granddaughter
to eat breakfast.
Yelling, threatening or begging,
coaxing all kinds of things are ineffective.
The child’s parents wondered:
“How can we make him eat breakfast?”.
The little girl wants to imitate her mother
to feel that she is big and mature.
So one morning, they put her on a high chair
and let her cook her own breakfast noodles.
At the crucial moment,
the little girl was cooking noodles,
the father entered the kitchen.
As soon as she saw her father,
the little girl exclaimed:
“Look, I’m cooking noodles myself”.
she voluntarily ate two bowls of noodles
without anyone reminding her.
She has shown herself in cooking noodles by herself.
William Winter once remarked:
“Self-expression is a basic human need”.
We can apply this psychological factor to business.
Every time you come up with a special idea,
you should suggest that idea to others
and let them turn it into reality.
At that time they will consider the idea as their own,
they will love it and do their best
to implement it at all costs.
* Easy to receive but difficult to give.
It’s easy to think badly of others,
but hard is to give them trust.
Easy is to extinguish someone else’s dream,
and difficult is to evoke a fervent desire.
So why don’t we do something “difficult”
that works as well as arousing a person’s fervent desire?
Principle 3: Inspire others to do what you want them to do
Summary of Part I – Basic Art of Conduct
Principle 1: Do not criticize, resent or complain.
Principle 2: Sincere praise and gratitude to others.
Principle 3: Inspire others to do what you want them to do.